Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
