Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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