i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
