Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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