Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
