my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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