New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
