When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
