"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
