I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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