I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
