Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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