walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
