You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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