She is in my trunk
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
