I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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