I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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