i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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