Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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