i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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