dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
