): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Less talking, more tequila
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
