so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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