It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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