What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
