all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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