new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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