I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Found your dick twin last night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
