Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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