You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
