Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
