we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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