Already got asked if we're dating
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
