He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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