I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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