I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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