I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
