I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
