if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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