What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
