i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
