Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
