I think I am morally bankrupt
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
