i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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