I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
