Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
