just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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