How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
