Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
