she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
