smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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