So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
