My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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