twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
