you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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