I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize