Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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