I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
