She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
