Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
